all the pretty things

so much fear.

too many drugs.

too many nights where I couldn't be alone so I abandoned myself.

it's hard to think back on who I was sometimes, because I'm sad for that kid.

lots of happiness there, too.

but these days it feels overshadowed by regrets.

the biggest ones?

not being present. behaving in ways that hurt people I love. that hurt myself.

so little control.

looking back, the pattern is so much clearer.

these days, a lot of things are clearer.

i wish i could go back and make it all better. make it all right.

it feels like a black hole at times.

i know the only way to escape it is to grow.

but the pain pulls me back.

i have to let it go.

i have to take responsibility.

and even harder, have compassion.

and maybe even find a way to feel like I deserve forgiveness.

otherwise the past will be my future.

and i wont make the best of the time I have left.

for myself and others.

if I don't have the courage to die and start over with what I know today.